Most of the time, I'm not thinking about whether or not I'm going to include someone in a story because when I do, it will end up being playful and in good nature.

But when an essay is a little more thorny or raw, and I feel uncomfortable about what I have to say about a person, I use a handful of questions to help me work through my angle for the piece.

These don't have to be your questions. You can develop your own.

Also, you might not want to develop any and just tell it as it is.

It is up to you.

I have to consider that I want my pieces to be for public consumption on the Internet and locally in the city where I live. So, I assume that even if the involved person doesn't read them, someone in their circle of friends might.

Here are the questions. 

Is it my story?

You can write a story you heard about your dad as your mom experienced it. But that is your mom's story, and unless your dad can confirm it, then it is just hearsay. You can still use a story like that to illustrate your dad's character, but with the understanding that it is the folklore of your family and not necessarily reality.

If you are talking about a specific experience you had with your dad, you can stand behind it when your dad comes out of the woods to ask, "Why are you saying that?" You can simply respond, "That happened. That's how I remember it and how it made me feel."

Are you making it clear that it is your perspective?

Okay, you have established that this is your story to tell.

You have to talk about what you experienced and find a way to establish that it might not be an entire story. I have a hard time reading people who make other participants flat, meaning they show everyone else as evil all the time and themselves as good all the time, but hardly ever do people behave this way. 

Jennifer Lawrence's movie "Joy" is a perfect example of this. I hated that movie because the writers and director portrayed anyone who did not align with the real inspiration for the biopic Joy Mangano as one-dimensional villains.

There is a popular saying in fiction writing, "Heroes have causes; villains have reasons." Villains are not bad to be bad; they are complex human beings doing bad things because that's the only way they know how to act or are capable of acting. I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but most people you don't like behave like I just said.

Those people you hate have agonizing anxiety, they have kids they kiss at night, they lose sleep over the past or the upcoming death of a loved one. It is an uncomfortable feeling to humanize the other, but it makes for fascinating reads because it is closer to reality than the alternative. 

What am I trying to do?

I don't suggest people start asking these questions right before they get down to write the first draft as it becomes too overwhelming and might make you an out not to write.

But once the draft is done and you uncover the piece's theme, you might want to hone the intention, too.

Is this personal story meant as a gift to honor the memory of your dad? Or is it meant as a stab at your sister? If your piece is meant to become a part of your family's history, you might need to sidestep the fact that your sister stole your blue scarf in 1986 because she is a lying dirtbag. 

Is it the time to say it?

Just because I write personal stories doesn't mean I publish everything that happens in my life.

Some things might be too painful to talk about; some other things might be too gratuitous to talk about. Typically, I want to write about things I can make fun of, and I can make jokes about them. Your practice is your practice, and you need to decide how you will show up as a writer.

For me, the decision is not even that. It is more about knowing what an emotional toil writing those pieces takes and how it derails my own writing practice. When I'm not ready to write about an episode of my life, I can feel it in my routines, and I can feel it once I release that piece into the world.

Take your time, start where it feels comfortable, and then work on the harder, more emotional pieces when you are ready.

Or just go ahead and do whatever you want.

There are many successful writers and comedians who don't mind sharing everything they experience with others. My guess is that it changes the dynamics of the relationships if the people they interact with know that everything they say will be shared publicly.